Ever since I was a little girl of about 6 or 7, long before I cared about my weight or my figure or how much money I had, I wanted lush hair. By lush, I mean I wanted it to go down to my waist and not in stringy, split ends either. I guess it represented my first longings, my first goal, (shortly followed by wanting to do the splits!)
I never did reach that goal, as nature had other ideas and hair dye and straighteners added to the damage.
UNTIL …. I am not sure why exactly but maybe thanks to my new shampoo (Tresemme Split Ends remedy) or eating mini oily fish (tuna) cans as an afternoon snack, my hair is growing! It isn’t ‘there’ yet but it got me thinking.
What happens when I get there? I am enjoying the journey of course but what happens when I reach my destination, my goal? I reached my weight goal a few times in my life and what did it bring me? I remember feeling all yummy in a bikini in Canada, age 20 and going to a water park, ego all puffed up, but no one seemed to notice!! I had a stranger take a photo for the record at least. More recently when I reached my goal weight and thought I had the answer to my personal eating habits for life (I will not give up anything sweet), keeping it off for 2 years, I remember feeling I could ‘tick that one off’ but looked to the next goal of course, until I lost the weight plot somewhere.
But imagine I morphed overnight and won the beautiful lottery. Then what? Which lotteries do you secretly want to win? The fit lottery, strong lottery, organised or happy lotteries perhaps? What would you really gain by arriving at your destination?
By having these goals which you may never reach, is it just an excuse to avoid feel guilty about something you feel you should be doing, but won’t do until you arrive at the hallowed halls of success? If you get everything you dream of, would you feel like you need to be more active, community minded, social (read anything you may be uncomfortable with now).
Having my ‘dream hair’, being rich, slim, more loved will not change these moods which ebb and flow in my life. My happiness can be touched by these, sure, but my joy has its own independence; it’s own little journey which I try to observe as much as I can and appreciate when it peaks.
My lush hair fantasy is just a symbol of the disquiet. Having it won’t change anything at all, except in my mind of course, so for now I will enjoy the invisible growth each day, celebrate when I think I’m having a ‘good hair day’ and try to remember that ultimately it’s only me that cares, it’s just a story and I can write my ‘story’ however I choose. And I choose the happy ending.