I like this! (obviously). I have had many boyfriends, lovers and even one husband in my time and they seem to have absolutely nothing in common. Sure, you can always go for Tall, Dark and Handsome if that’s your ‘type’ or Smart, Funny and Good looking, which is usually the first three things that people list about their ‘other’. But this doesn’t keep you there for the long haul or make for a better relationship.
This ‘mutual weirdness’ concept is a pretty good reason not just to fall in love with someone but to stick with them. Once you are past the rose coloured glasses stage, the being in love with love stage and past the snuggling in for a pizza and a movie don’t need more than that stage, then comes the back to normal feelings, up and down days, and days where things irritate you for no other reason than your own mood. Then the partner comes under closer scrutiny unfortunately and you may find them wanting, because you are wanting. And you may break up because we stupidly listen to ourselves and want to make decisions when we are in a bad mood (wanting to change things to make the bad mood go away) rather than waiting for our mood to pass and then thinking rationally.
So what forms that really deep connection? Why would your ‘weirdnesses’ and not your ‘fantasticness’ be important? Because we all suspect we are weird in some way. There might be something about us which we have unfortunately taken in the message that it’s not OK to be, or that it is unusual or antisocial to be; something not accepted in current thinking about being a good, (perfect) person. And if you are perfectionist or are really trying to do your best, you strive to be all these things in order to guarantee future happiness. Fail.
Talking to my friends about their partners, I hear of traits which I don’t think that I could put up with’. It could be protectiveness, wanting to sleep in their own bed, staying up till 2am every night on the computer, being a workaholic, spending every Saturday watching sport etc. Of course we all have our own similar traits which we suspect have repelled others in the past. Either way your traits/wants need to fit in with theirs or at the very least be accepted by them because it frees them to indulge their own desires. When things go wrong is when you negate each others’ feelings, tell them they should do this or do that and treat them differently if they don’t. That’s conditional love.
So, do you see your partner’s quirks as adorable, cute, indicative of their love for you, quite normal or absolutely perfect? Do you see your own ‘weirdnesses’ as any of those things? How we see them is the issue.
What keeps you in love is feeling accepted and loved by the other person, no matter what. We are supposed to exchange at least 5 compliments to every negative. Once it gets out of balance and we find ourselves thinking more bad than good about the other person it’s time to take stock. They are probably the same person, more or less. It’s us that’s changed. Of course we grow and there may be a time to move on if neither wants to adapt but if you can accept all your own traits as perfectly reasonable and theirs also, then you can move on with love and not bitterness. Neither needs to be horribly scarred for life and convinced they once partnered with the devil incarnate.
Anyway I digress. Thanks Dr Seuss for this further explanation of why we fall in love. Whether we label our currents wants, needs, wishes and habits as weird but hang on to them anyway because we know we have a right to be ourselves and go for what we want, or we think we are perfect and need to find that perfect other, love is something worth striving for. Once you find it in yourself the other will appear. And vice versa.